Recap of Last Week’s ER: The TV Show
A guy and a girl get in a bad car wreck.  Unbeknownst to ER staff, they had just stolen tens of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry.  The girl decompensated, and ended up in cardiac arrest.  After undergoing an unsucessful emergency thoracotomy the team was ready to call the code.  Not so fast, said the guy, brandishing a gun and ordering the team to keep trying.  They recommended surgery, but having barricaded them in the trauma bay he refused them access to the OR.  No surgeons no OR no problem, the ER team tried the operation themselves but unfortunately without much success.  Meanwhile, word of the hostage situation made its way though the hospital, resulting in a mass evacuation and activation of law enforcement.  Finally, it was clear that the girl wasn’t going to make it.  After an emotional and tearful goodbye, the guy gave up his gun, whereby he was promptly shot in the head by a SWAT sniper.

Recap of Last Week’s ER: My Life
It’s 1:30 in the morning and there are only a few patients in the department.  A quietness abounds, augmented by its unusualness, penetrated only by the hum of the fluorescent lights and occasional idle chatter.  The nurse-who-likes-to-listen-to-music puts on some terrible sugary soulless 80’s tunes that I secretly like.

An old man with a history of constipation checks in because he can’t poop.  After asking a few questions I have him roll over on his side, pants down below his hips and a chux pad underneath.  I lube up the index finger of my double-gloved right hand and place it in his rectum.  Sure enough, I meet some resistance and start pulling out chunks of hard dark brown stool.  Again and again I keep digging until finally there’s none left.  Using some wet gauze I scrub his bottom clean and then pull his pants back up around his waist.  He now feels much better and is ready to leave.

I take a few minutes to offer a sincere apology to my index finger, who wonders what the heck happened as up until then we had been contentedly clicking our way across the internet.  Meanwhile, after being kind enough to dispose of the stool-loaded chux the nurse starts emptying cans of air-freshener trying to cover up the smell of poo now emanating throughout the entire department.

No, actually it really isn’t much like the TV show.