On my way to work the other night, for reasons that I still can’t explain, I was compelled to drive the exact opposite of the way I normally go.  The road quickly turned treacherous, with fog and wild animals and environmentally unfriendly cars and whatnot.  My resolve began to wane but I pressed on, buoyed by some unseen force.  Suddenly, there was a sharp drop in the road, and quickly I came to a stop.  There, immediately in front of me, loomed a large building with a black Emergency marquee.  In my gut I knew I had arrived at the bizarro ER.

The ambulance bay was empty, and walking in I saw the waiting room was too.  The staff looked relaxed.  The docs wore matching animal print scrubs.  Several stood outside on their smoke break, taking turns stabbing each other in the back.  The nurses tapped away on their palm pilots and complained about the market.  The computers ran smoothly.  The coffee machine worked.  Open containers were everywhere.  It was crazy. 

The patients began to come in.  There was a girl with a spider bite but no abscess.  They gave a guy nitro to move his headache into his chest.  Men didn’t call it their prostrate.  Babies asked for ultrasounds of their moms.   

There were a few drug seekers, unfortunately, complaining of upper back pain.  They had a bunch of allergies to demerol and dilaudid, and kept asking for the little red pill that starts with the letter “T.”  Busted!

Some drunks started to roll in after getting in other people’s business.  The guys were sobbing, and the girls had beat up faces.  They didn’t ask for a plastic surgeon, but several came in nonetheless.

A concerned husband brought his wife in even though she hated going to the doctor.  Guys had fibromyalgia.  Women needed two-point restraints after “just” four beers.  Hispanic women wern’t dizzy.  Kids wanted the otoscope in their ears.  The nursing home folks really did perk up after some fluid.

Some of the less serious cases got admitted, of course.  Their docs called back right away, and since it was shift change the patients went straight upstairs.   

In the end, I had to get out of there.  I dialed 119 and an ambulance whisked me back home.   

Update: A shout out to the original Bizarro ER, Aussie-style, at ImpactEDnurse.  Cheers!